“You’re not a real Texan until you’ve been kicked out of every decent state in America.”

– Joe Bob Briggs

While I was celebrating my last night in NY, my mom and John were packing my things. I can’t express how amazing it was to have this help and support. My mom tells a story about how the car was totally jam-packed when she brought down one of those hotel trolley carts for baggage filled with more of my things. John was shaking his head and said “There’s no way.” And my mom responded “Oooooo… You just said my three favorite words… Watch this.” Of course she made it happen. If anyone can fit 10lbs of sh*t in a 5lb bag it’s her!

When I was being picked up from my old apartment in Brooklyn, I had to say goodbye to my dog indefinitely. I sat on the floor and gave Leroy one last hug. Jenn helped me up we hugged and said our goodbyes too. It was sad yet felt right, like I was moving in the right direction. It was time to go.

I squeezed into a small jump seat-like area on the back drivers side of the car, surrounded by my own things. I wouldn’t say that I’m a hoarder, because if I were, my mom would have thrown away most of this stuff, but it all had a lot of value: three guitars that meant a lot to me, a bass guitar, a small vintage Fender Blues Junior amp, a desktop computer and a laptop, and some Yamaha studio recording monitors and amplifier. Ya know… The necessities. And they were to me.

I had an entire studio set up in my basement where I had recorded and produced music for years, and I had worked out an arrangement for a lot of my music equipment with an independent music shop in Williamsburg called Main Drag. They had a van come to my apartment in Bushwick and take a lot of the gear to the shop and we worked out a deal. They ended up putting almost all of my gear on consignment. I no longer had to worry about it, and they’d send me a check when things sold.

I had gotten all of the stuff that I was going to bring to TX together and ready to be packed a few days prior. You know that feeling like you’re forgetting something? You’re aware that you haven’t thought of everything, but that feeling doesn’t bring you any closer to remembering the thing or things that you are forgetting, it only frustrates you… Well I had felt that way since the brain injury. I’d see someone’s face, know who they were, but knew I was forgetting a lot about them. I knew I was missing something… There were things that I was forgetting, yet my knowledge that I wasn’t clear didn’t bring clarity… it bummed me out. It reminds me of that Pixies song “Where Is My Mind.”

The music gear that we brought was stuff that I wasn’t willing to sell or part with. (Maybe that does make me a hoarder.) I also had a bunch of clothes, papers, pictures, my grandmas salt and pepper shakers, a very special knife to me, and so much more… I know I’m forgetting things… There’s that feeling again. I somehow got comfortable in that jump seat with the neck of one of my guitars and my neurologic issues blocking my range of motion, and I was able to nap through part of the journey of our 3 day road trip.

We arrived in Austin, TX on the 5th of October after staying at hotels and visiting John’s brother. We had finally arrived! All of the bedrooms are on the second floor, so I needed to get comfortable with stairs. My mom had originally feared that I wouldn’t be able to handle stairs and had been preparing for me to stay in the living room. Two months before, she would have been right. I was getting stronger, and I was able to make my way up and down stairs. I was slow and sloppy, but I could make it. While in New York, I had twisted my ankle going down the stairs in the subway station. My ankles were weak and I was uncoordinated, and while I was taking a step down with my right foot, my left leg (the affected side of my body) gave up lowering me and dropped me on the next step instead and twisted my left ankle. My muscles gave up because they were weak and uncontrolled. My whole body was weak. I had been in a hospital bed for months, and I had to rebuild all of my muscles that had atrophied in that time. It was a setback, but I’m glad it wasn’t a more serious setback.

We began to unpack soon after we arrived. I lifted a finger or two (not much because I couldn’t do much) while John and my mom unpacked the car and showed me my room. I got comfortable and texted my good friend, Taylor, who I grew up with during the summers that I spent in PA. I asked if he wanted to get dinner with me for my birthday the next day.

The next day he picked me up and we went to a BBQ joint down the road. Of course BBQ… I was in Texas after all! It was the first birthday that I had spent in such a calm manner that I can remember. The depressing thought briefly crossed my mind that I was not where I wanted to be and how I was in a sad, near empty, Texas BBQ joint with only one person there for me on my birthday, but I shook that thought almost immediately and flipped it: I was with a good friend! in a Texas BBQ joint with awesome brisket! It was a perfect place for me to be after these injuries, and I needed to keep my mind in a productive place to heal and grow! It was perfect!

After dinner I just went home and brought some ribs to my mom and John. The birthday present i got from my mom and John that year was the most incredible gift that i could receive: a chance. I was exactly where I needed to be and that was the best birthday present that I could ever ask for! It bummed me out that I was in my late 20s and was living with my mom, but I was beginning to be grateful instead of bummed. I had lost a lot but I had a chance to get some of it back. I had lost my voice, my balance, my coordination, my ability to walk/run, and so much more including my overall cognitive ability. But I had the chance to regain some of what I had lost, I was so happy and appreciative for that opportunity. I had already improved so much from where I was months ago, and I was sure that if I worked hard, I could make more improvements. I went to bed that night with a smile on my face. I had truly lived to see my next birthday and that is what mattered. A grateful state of mind beats the hell out of an entitled place filled with expectations and resentment. And I was incredibly grateful.