I used to come from NY to Austin to see live music and to visit Taylor, one of my best friends. I’d come during South By Southwest (SXSW) and Austin City Limits (ACL), both of which are some of the many music festivals that happen in the live music capital of the world that is Austin, TX.

 

I’d been coming to Austin for SXSW for four years and had come for ACL for the previous two years. Taylor is like a brother to me… I mean, we have known each other since our parents were in Lamaze together (I don’t know if they did Lamaze, but you get the point.)

Because I had only just arrived in TX this year while ACL was happening, and I was pretty miserable, I didn’t even consider going. Taylor told me about Fun Fun Fun Fest, that was happening in early November, and I looked up who was playing. I noticed a few great acts that I wanted to see, including one of my favorite bands, The Murder City Devils. Being the over ambitious music enthusiast that I am, I had to go. I had trouble walking, talking, and even standing, but I felt that it would be good for me at the very least.

It was very strange being back to a point where I checked things out with my mother, and asked for her opinion and judgement about what used to be little things, but I still do and I want to… I’m a mama’s boy. I told her that I wanted to go to this show, and she said ok. I’m still surprised that she allowed me to go… She’s got a lot of skin in this game, as she says.

Taylor took very good care of me and helped me just enough. I say just enough because I did not want to be treated different or babied because of my injury. I would try to keep up with my friend’s abilities rather than have them slow down to my abilities. I didn’t know if I’d get better but I’d sure as hell try.

We went to the festival early on November 4th, 2011 when there weren’t many people there because I wanted to see Jim Ward from “At The Drive-In” and “Sparta”. The festival was outdoors at Auditorium Shores, and there weren’t many people there yet. I sat down on a stone wall near the stage and watched. A year prior, I would have been dancing and singing along… It was a humbling and introspective set for me.

After Jim Ward finished his set, I grabbed something to drink to stay hydrated during that warm day in November. Yep… It’s warm in Austin in November! It’s just starting to cool off, but it’s usually very nice during the day. The next act I remember watching was an old hardcore band I used to listen to called “Bane”. It was another sit down show for me. I wanted to get in the crowd, but I knew that I would regret it immediately.

Soon it was time to see “The Murder City Devils”! The event was pretty filled up by now and I found a spot near a fork lift. I stood between the fork lift and the fence so that I could hold on to the lift for balance and use it as a barrier between me and the crowd, yet I could still see them perform.

They played all of my favorite tunes and I wanted to move to the music… to let it all out and rock, if you will. I even tried to move with the rythm while holding on to the lift and I couldn’t. Again, my body and brain didn’t communicate very well at all. I could barely walk, so I obviously couldn’t dance.

Half way through the set, I had to sit down. I moved to the front of the fork lift and sat on the ledge of the lift. I sat there for the rest of the show feeling defeated. I felt like I wasn’t me because I couldn’t do what I used to anymore.

“Murder City” played a great show, but it was rough… no, it was sad for me. It was my first venture out beyond the world of intensive care, visiting nurse services, rehab hospitals, and my mother’s care and protection in 6 months since the accident. It was my first venture out into what used to be my “normal” world, among my peers, and I could compare and really see how fragile I still was and how much ground I had lost. It hit me hard….. But I stood up after the show, met up with Taylor and friends, and acted like I had a great time.

I’ll tell you now that the 2011 “Fun Fun Fun Fest” Suck Suck Sucked for me. And admitting it was the first step into starting to realize that all that had happened since May 8 wasn’t just some little blip on the radar screen… That I was, at best, finally medically stable. I had a long, serious journey ahead of me. I stopped thinking in terms of the “short game” and actually appreciating that my life as I knew it was over. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed my life prior to my brain injury, but I appreciated a opportunity at a new one. I needed to decide whether I was going to dwell on the loss of the past or to move forward. It was a mental turning point of sorts. I understood finally that my subconscious and irrational belief that I would get better in no time and things would go back to normal was beginning to deteriorate and my ambition to build something new slowly began to show itself.